Here is a short list of commonly misused words and the
true meanings of some statements. A visitor to Nigeria may be shocked to know
that each item on this list has its own special meaning, different from the
conventional meaning. Consulting a dictionary will be a waste of time. If you
are going to visit Nigeria soon, pay close attention to what each means; if you
are a Nigerian, you will get entertainment value. Note that the writer is not
unaware of exceptions, but these exceptions only prove the rules
Ultra-modern
There is hardly a Nigerian who has not come across
an ‘ultra-modern’ motor park’. Is there anything modern, not to mention
ultra-modern, about these parks? Zilch! They are usually eyesores. These are
parks with corrugated roofing sheets of probably the lowest quality (trust
Nigerian politicians, they love to cut corners) supported by bamboo or logs.
Public toilets are either not maintained or non-existent. If you ever have to
answer the call of nature (or use the gent’s or ladies), good luck. It is
assumed that there will always be sunshine, so no provision is made for
electric bulbs. When you are there, pray that there will be no rain because
they usually have poor drainage systems. You are likely going to also have to
put up with some noisy NURTW roughnecks and, to cap it, a smelly environment.
‘I
am going abroad to woo investors’
Also used by politicians. It actually means that
he/she is going abroad to look for where to stash stolen funds.
'State-of-the-art'
When a product launched or a facility is
commissioned, the ritual is usually not complete if ‘state of the art’ is left out.
Put succinctly, it is usually the word used by people (deceptively) to call to
consumer’s attention a crappy, built-and-used during-the-70’s products or
facilities—this will be an appropriate definition. A book about commonly
misused words in Nigeria is definitely not worth the sheets of paper used in
printing it if a chapter is not dedicated to it.
‘There
is no cause for alarm as everything is under control. We are on top of the
situation’
Ironically, when you hear this or something to that
effect from a law enforcement officer, then it’s a clarion call to you to take
your leave or be extra-vigilant as the problem may be about 'explode.'
‘Armed
to the teeth policemen’
When you hear armed to the teeth policemen, don’t be
deceive, government hardly cares about their welfare not to talk of properly
arming them. What you have is a sorry bunch of ill-equipped, ill-motivated,
hungry-looking (usually described incorrectly as stern-looking) policemen with
rusty guns (never the type that ‘shys away’ from accidental discharge), standing
beside an armoured personnel carrier.
‘Well-stocked
library’
If you are looking for ONLY old editions of books,
it certainly a good place to start your search. If you are looking for books
with the latest in the new field of, say, nanotechnology, you may be shocked to
know that no book in the library has the word nanotechnology in it and that the
library received its last consignment of books some 30 years ago.
‘What!’
When you hear this, you are watching a Nollywood
movie.
‘I
will bounce back’
Usually used by a dishonest politician who has been
disgraced, telling you not to write him/her off? Do so at your own peril. Their
bounce back rate can be as high as 80%.
‘He
is clueless’
Used by critics to refer to no other person than the
current president.
‘It
is a figment of the imagination of the enemies who are bent on destroying the
good works of this government. Mr Governor/President is ever committed to delivering
the dividends of democracy to his people and will not be distracted by
rabble-rousers.’
This is the typical content of a press release by
media assistants to government officials. They are just ‘returning fire.’
‘Mr.
Governor/President is not thinking about a second term’
That statement is all you need to know that a second
term ambition is in the cards.
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