List of Misused Words and True Meanings of some Statements

Here is a short list of commonly misused words and the true meanings of some statements. A visitor to Nigeria may be shocked to know that each item on this list has its own special meaning, different from the conventional meaning. Consulting a dictionary will be a waste of time. If you are going to visit Nigeria soon, pay close attention to what each means; if you are a Nigerian, you will get entertainment value. Note that the writer is not unaware of exceptions, but these exceptions only prove the rules

Ultra-modern           

There is hardly a Nigerian who has not come across an ‘ultra-modern’ motor park’. Is there anything modern, not to mention ultra-modern, about these parks? Zilch! They are usually eyesores. These are parks with corrugated roofing sheets of probably the lowest quality (trust Nigerian politicians, they love to cut corners) supported by bamboo or logs. Public toilets are either not maintained or non-existent. If you ever have to answer the call of nature (or use the gent’s or ladies), good luck. It is assumed that there will always be sunshine, so no provision is made for electric bulbs. When you are there, pray that there will be no rain because they usually have poor drainage systems. You are likely going to also have to put up with some noisy NURTW roughnecks and, to cap it, a smelly environment. 

‘I am going abroad to woo investors’

Also used by politicians. It actually means that he/she is going abroad to look for where to stash stolen funds.

'State-of-the-art'

When a product launched or a facility is commissioned, the ritual is usually not complete if ‘state of the art’ is left out. Put succinctly, it is usually the word used by people (deceptively) to call to consumer’s attention a crappy, built-and-used during-the-70’s products or facilities—this will be an appropriate definition. A book about commonly misused words in Nigeria is definitely not worth the sheets of paper used in printing it if a chapter is not dedicated to it.     

‘There is no cause for alarm as everything is under control. We are on top of the situation’

Ironically, when you hear this or something to that effect from a law enforcement officer, then it’s a clarion call to you to take your leave or be extra-vigilant as the problem may be about 'explode.'

‘Armed to the teeth policemen’

When you hear armed to the teeth policemen, don’t be deceive, government hardly cares about their welfare not to talk of properly arming them. What you have is a sorry bunch of ill-equipped, ill-motivated, hungry-looking (usually described incorrectly as stern-looking) policemen with rusty guns (never the type that ‘shys away’ from accidental discharge), standing beside an armoured personnel carrier.

‘Well-stocked library’

If you are looking for ONLY old editions of books, it certainly a good place to start your search. If you are looking for books with the latest in the new field of, say, nanotechnology, you may be shocked to know that no book in the library has the word nanotechnology in it and that the library received its last consignment of books some 30 years ago.

‘What!’

When you hear this, you are watching a Nollywood movie.  

‘I will bounce back’

Usually used by a dishonest politician who has been disgraced, telling you not to write him/her off? Do so at your own peril. Their bounce back rate can be as high as 80%.

‘He is clueless’

Used by critics to refer to no other person than the current president.

‘It is a figment of the imagination of the enemies who are bent on destroying the good works of this government. Mr Governor/President is ever committed to delivering the dividends of democracy to his people and will not be distracted by rabble-rousers.’

This is the typical content of a press release by media assistants to government officials. They are just ‘returning fire.’

‘Mr. Governor/President is not thinking about a second term’

That statement is all you need to know that a second term ambition is in the cards.